Side Effects of Sleep Deprivation

Infomercials...


They get into full swing around 1AM, which is the universal cue to switch off the tube and hit the sack. Instead, I lie awake and watch because I'm restless and find the droning sounds somewhat comforting. It's almost like a mother reading her child a story before bed except my digital mother is telling me I'm a fat ass and desperately need to buy this exercise program within the next 15 minutes or else I have to pay full price and will regret my life for the rest of life.  Yet, a sudden sense of motivation kicks in as these blatantly scripted, cheesy infomercials somehow mesmerize and hypnotize my vulnerable senses. A strange phenomenon occurs which I'll refer to as:

The Late Night Broken Promises

The later that sleep consumes me the more severe the situation becomes. Additional factors that add to the severity of this mental state include:


- Stress over work/career
- Financial woes
- Indigestion or heart burn
- Boredom
- Fattiness (or Fluffiness to put it in nicer words)


The mouse on duty that turns the wheel in my thinking cap gets karate kicked out by a badger (because badger's don't give a shit) who hijacks my thoughts and takes it on a joy ride to possibili-land.  Soon after, the unrealistic expectations and goals begin...


"Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up and go for a 3 mile run!"
"I should just get that tattoo..."
"Maybe I'll try that no carb diet just for a week..."
"Ugh, why did I eat so much? I'm not going to do that anymore."
"I'll cut back on the caffeine this week..."
"I hate alcohol; I'm not going to drink at all next month"
"How is it 2AM already? I'm going to sleep earlier tomorrow..."
"This beer belly... I'm sticking to wine."
"I'll fold my laundry first thing when I get home from work!"
"Wow, I wonder how these people got on these infomercials.  Should I submit a video?"
"I think I'll try making that cheesecake this weekend!"
"I wonder if this infomercial actually is selling a product that works?  Maybe I'll try it out??"
"Tomorrow, I'll give *insert annoying coworker's name here* another chance and be a nicer person."
"I'll start that new blog post!"


If I'm lucky, I won't wake up tossing and turning at 5AM only to fall back asleep 30 minutes before I have to officially get out of bed.  If I fell asleep much later, my deep sleep would be rudely interrupted by the trumpeting intro of the Rocky Balboa theme song strategically set as my alarm.  By this point, half of the above promises are already broken.  It's too late to go for that run, toast with peanut butter sounds delicious, coffee is desperately needed, laundry looks decent in it's current basket state, and the thought of encouraging side conversations with my annoying coworker does not sound appealing.  Throughout the day another promise made late the night before gets broken and by the end of the day, it's back to square one.  


Tonight, however, is different.  I've managed to write my first blog post in my newest edition of my 'chronicles' series.  Perhaps this is the beginning of something epic?!  It's midnight and I'm determined to fold this laundry.  


If you made it this far, you must either be a friend of mine or my sister.  Sweet Jesus, lord give you strength for making it to the end.


Good night.